trials

Saturday, October 01, 2005 being in hell i once was standing in the hot sun and the drop of sweat had dripped off my face. i was bleeding in the right arm and i wasn't complaining about anything, only the sensation that there would be no one to help me and die right there in place. but the injury was really not bad just a gash along my upper level of my skin i can see the blood being pumped through my veins running along the skin. i felt calm though as if i was being comforted by an angel. and covering my arm in bandaged and repeating to myself that i'll be okey. its just a flesh wound. telling my brain to heal itself and start the body to recooperate.i dreamt that i was the only one looking over my grave and that i am doomed to go to hell as we speak. morbid to imagine, don't you think. i always wonder as an unsung hero how long before i turn the other face and burn the other person of my lies and deciet. just today the company is deniing claims that they destroyed my fan system in my car. I was so upset of the situation that i wanted to burst out into anger. but this temper of my i use to have has long dissipated long ago in the 80's.i was once like my uncle and my young Cuz' Ej. And my Father as well. all combined to focus my tantrums and fury into one force. but now i'm glad there are influences that i cannot explain that cool me down. And the assuring comfort that this company will deserve it justice in due time with great graveness and fury that i carry. Is it bad to be the center of the universe. why are some the center of the universe yet cannot bring their own weight to the table. i really burns me to see their parents didn't raise them well enough even though they have been to a prestigous university or college. is it the name that they carry that they let their child run wild or is it the pride that they want to brag son/daughter is being retarded in public and get away with excuses and blame by their doctors. AHHHHHHH!!!! never mind i'm rambling on! Sunday, September 25, 2005 time machine lately in SD i've come across old friends that i've never seen in a long time. alot of the faces seem to be old and having families. as for me its scary to realize that they've gone to the next level and stay put. what i did notice that it seems that i still look young amazingly, but i'm also scared too. i really don't want to talk about it. but yet i do. with all the trauma and accidents and vices i've gone through. i seem to be spared. i don't know what destiny lies for me. but i am determined to face the hell that i'm about to meet. i'm scared but i know and i hope it is swift. i'm grateful for the miracles and signs that the Big Guy upstairs has given me and i really want to know what lies before me. but then i really don't want to know either. life would be dry and boring. i still think about her now and then, and i know now that i was to get to know her despite the consequences or maybe i was suppose to ruin that night for us that friday night. i'm grateful for my cousins that are there when i'm down on my luck. though i feel that i'll be on my own again. i need to go to the beach. find my connection again. I B SD

Friday, September 16, 2005 my car Current mood: cold Current mood: cold well, my made it to SD, but its in a condition where i can't drive it anymore, this really sucks and i need to figure something out. its my firt time to move down here and i'ld like to get somewhere. this is getting really hard. but i'm sure i'll make it. just like when i came here in june 7, 1992, my plan was to go to school, yet i ended up in the navy. but before i was in the navy i started working as a busboy in South SF and working part-time as a technician fixing home appliances. alot of discouragement came from my mom, sounding thati won't amout to anything. til this day she still does it.ashamed of having a son who has not made something of himself. thats okay i accept who she is and try to make my worth daya by day its the only way to cope. I use to have my belongings but now its all gone when i came here. just the clothes on my back. but as i still remember what i owned i new i could gain them back someday. and i did twice fold. well, be i know my conviction, to make it things work. ( not finishe and will continue tomorrow.) Currently listening: From Under the Cork Tree By Fall Out Boy Release date: By 03 May, 2005

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 stupid me Current mood: disappointed i was stubborn to even think about it, but i wish that we would just be more than friends, but stupid me i wanted to keep her for my own. it was hard for me to accept. because i could never keep something that i care about in my midst. it would always falter or fade away evry single time. i didn't want that. but i guess i have to ultimately accept my destiny. ever since as a a kid, i could never stay in one place. it just makes me so mad. i hate being alone. i hate be left alone. i hate to be on my own even i've made it this far. i liked to share my journey with that special someone even if its just for a short time. it means alot to me. i hate being a hero because i'm tired. of saving lives but my own and i'm bleeding for it.This is it for me. here rest my old clemency and here comes the not so responsible me. my last encounter with her was on a friday (09aug05;late evening) my direction to my military reserves. i had to see her. and tell her how i felt. i was tired and maybe not thinking right. i just ruined everything and told her. now i think she's P.O.! and probably won't speak to me any more because of our agreement on the same ideal notion that we were to be friends in the beginning. But the last three days i was stressed, and anxious to be in a new place. But that is no excuse. i hope she can forgive me for what i did that night. i did a stupid thing and i accept that. i don't know what to do except wait for her call. Currently listening: Drops of Jupiter By Train Release date: By 12 March, 2002

Tuesday, September 06, 2005 life Current mood: happy This is the same old cliché that everyone goes through and the center revolves around that one person. I know my philosophy maybe too much and I always think but I have to get this out of my system. Its starts with my own realization that I am lucky or should I say that I made my luck by making the decisions because of certain choices. I almost forgot that I am Filipino and an American. I always dwell in the past whenever things go bad. Or whenever things are about get bad. I have too stop this attitude. And I really don’t know how to remove this negative attitude. Maybe, I should concentrate on the people that hurt me and forgive. I spelled the word forgive because everyone makes shortcuts. I know that there are hardships, but as long there are people who care and understand. Things will get better. There are people who want to make it out of the slums. I am not in the slums (not even close) yet but strive to make it big. Some people don’t even get through high school or college. I should be grateful that I made it through college or should I say my goal that I finished. I left the Philippines so my sister can be tended too I knew too many secrets from my dads side to concentrate on my studies. I kept the secrets from my Mom and that a man married should confront his issues and bare the consequences for the sins created. And not be harassed by my parents. I wasn’t supposed to know but I did. My brothers (illegitimate) are my dads and that they are not to blame. It use to hurt. Now it is just a grain of sand. I sacrificed my life to be on my way to finish school in the u.s. But things didn’t work the way i planned. I was set back. I didn’t need to be in the military. I just needed guidance not punishment. I punished myself for the failures and wrong choices. Now I’m just learning and growing from my lessons that came my way. I’m not retarded or incapable. I just was setback from time, pushed forward to the present and a visionary for the things to come. All I want is to be in a normal stage in my life were I can steadily date women, have a home, and hopefully have kids or should I say my legacy. What I do miss is TLC. And I do try to make that work for me. And try to do the right thing. I miss the friends that I use to be with, just to think of them makes me sad. I do wish I can see them. I’ve seen them and they have grey hair. I haven’t seen mine yet. Like I’m getting younger. Surely I will. I still hold my strength. Spiritually, emotionally and faithfully. But there are days I breakdown and look in the mirror and wonder how long is this going to be. And this i share among you all a speech that may help or guide you to do the right thing. ================================ Baz Luhrman - Sunscreen Speech ================================ Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ?9...Wear sunscreen If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you?l look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can? grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked...You?e not as fat as you imagine. Don? worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don? be reckless with other people? hearts, don? put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don? waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you?e ahead, sometimes you?e behind...the race is long, and in the end it? only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don? feel guilty if you don? know what to do with your life...the most interesting people I know didn? know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don?. Get plenty of calcium Be kind to your knees, you?l miss them when they?e gone. Maybe you?l marry, maybe you won?, maybe you?l have children, maybe you won?, maybe you?l divorce at 40, maybe you?l dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary...what ever you do, don? congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either - your choices are half chance, so are everybody else?. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can...don? be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it? the greatest instrument you?l ever own. Dance...even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don? follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. 49 second break in speech -- Quindon singing Get to know your parents, you?l never know when they?l be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, price will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you?l fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don? expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Don? mess too much with your hair, or by the time it? 40, it will look 85. Be careful who advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it? worth. But trust me on the sunscreen... Currently listening: Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) By Luhrmann Release date: By 13 June, 2000 Monday, August 29, 2005 Las vegas Sure everyone has their story of being sinful in LV. Of course what can you say. its not that people are there to see mickey mouse ride you. My purpose to go there was to see my sister graduate even though my mom didn't go. My Dad was happy about it and hopfully i can send them( the pictures) over the system. Other than seeing my sister graduate we engaged in other ECA (extra curricular activities , such as sushi bars and great Sa'ke Bombs[peach and mango to be exact], try out (try? we drank alot! hell ya!!!) good beer.We were loud, well Nina and i were. we went to the bellagio, and the Venitian as usual tourist attraction activities. seen the dancing fountain that moved to the rythym of the beat. during saturday the graduation event was long and tedious. and the amount of food that was available was great, free beer, wine(sangria) more beer. then we went to the http://www.hofbrauhauslasvegas.com/ wich was great and the mug were huge. and the food was great as well. the desert (apple strudle) enough said. after that we went to my sisters friend RoB's party and drove all the way to henderson. To our surprise that it was not what we expected. so we headed out to the strip (of course; only one place) and we had a blast going on the New york² roller coaster. after that it seems to hit hard. the "jeagermiester" and other stuff seem moving fast. i was still conscience and all, but it all seemed like a dream. all of a sudden. i woke up the next morning, my clothes stank and my bed seemed i don't know. my jaw was sore. my head and body aching. but everything felt good inside, like i was lifted from this burden. can't explain why or how. but things seem alittle relieved. Lats day, of my stay and we ate at "toby kieth's restaraunt and bar" for dinner and wainted for the show "Skintight" http://www.harrahs.com/our_casinos/las/amenities/skintight.html it was a ripeoff because the show wqas for an hour. and the preformance was, nothing but short skits of different themes. i liked some of the TnA . but not to par. After that we hit the penny machines. pathetic, but more in a controlled process to keep yourself from running wild in trying to win the big one and losing everything all at once. i miss my sister now, although i know i'll see her again. my life has changed abit. strange things are happening to me that i can't explain. mor eof the conincidence or spontaneous decisions that i make that effect the time line of my life. i changed the history by making choices that my parents have mistakenly made in the past and along with other peoples lives that have come across. i made a difference, even from just one guy. And from this point on this is my time now. my journey is almost about to end and begin. I'm a pain in the arse. and life just gets better. well, i left most of my inhibitions in LV, hope none of it got out. i couldn't remember anything when i blacked out. or some what blcked out. still see the vivid images. of nked women and other stuff that seemd tempting. Currently listening: Give Up By The Postal Service Release date: By 18 February, 2003